Dear Kevin Martin,
When some people said you should never ever see minutes in the playoffs, I defended you. I knew you had the quickness, tenacity and skills to make a positive impact.
Thank you for growing an enormous pair of playoff testicles.
Your pal,
Jeff
If Larry is a Cable Guy, how can he also be a Health Inspector? How can Larry handle two jobs? If he is indeed both of these things, as well as The World’s Most Irritating Stand-up Comedian six years running, he truly is a rennaissance man. A bare-armed, homophobic, aggresssively unfunny renaissance man. Bravo, sir.
* When I signed into Rhapsody sometime last week, I saw the coverart for a solo album from one half of Big & Rich and a question came to me. Who makes a more convincing man: JD Samson, the mustachioed member of Le Tigre, or John Rich?
* Several weeks ago, my landlord, who lives directly above me, came down and knocked on my door. He said, “This is sort of funny, but sort of personal, but were you fucking yesterday? I heard a lot of banging and knocking and I was like ‘damn, you go boy!’”
Which is worse: that he thought it was cool to ask at all or that the “banging and knocking” was just me playing Dance Dance Revolution sweaty, alone, in just underpants and socks in the middle of my apartment?
* If you were at a newsstand, which magazine would be more embarrassing to buy: Juggs or Cat Fancy?
* Which of my celeb-crushes is more disturbing: Ina Garten or Kitty from “That ’70s Show”?
To explain, I’m attracted to Ina because I’m mildly aroused by any woman I can imagine cooking for me. I’m attracted to Kitty (not so much Debra Jo Rupp, but more the actual character [which may, in itself, tip your vote]) because I have a thing for soccer moms, curled hair and high-pitched voices. My celeb-crush fantasies also involve plenty of darkness and liquor, by the way. I’m fairly certain I’d be repulsed if I saw either one of them naked.
* If you were forced to give up either bathing or listening to music for the rest of your life, which would you choose?
