I’ll Take Excitement

Unless you’ve been on total media blackout for the past several days (or you simply don’t care) you know the Artest-for-Stojakovic trade that had me all a-twitter last week went through after all and it’s been beautiful for me so far. Ron-Ron plays hard and he looks to be in impressive physical condition for someone who just sat through a six-week layoff.

Plus, he’s extremely entertaining even outside of his on-court skills. Every interview keeps me glued to the television, mostly because he doesn’t seem to have been fitted with that microchip most pro athletes have that provides them with stock answers to standard questions so they can dedicate their brain power to remembering offensive play sets rather than describing how it feels to play for a new team. Ron considers every softball reporters lob at him, like “did it feel good to get a win tonight?” as if he’s never heard the question before, runs it through his brain, and answers with something heartfelt, but completely unexpected and, well, weird. It’s entertaining because it’s somewhat endearing, somewhat tragic, but all real. Since nobody has said anything remotely interesting in a post-game interview since the dawn of broadcasting, that Ron makes me pay attention to and get excited for his five minute pre-shower sitdown with Grant Napear is something special.

To make a clumsier attempt at one of those sports-to-music analogies Ian does so well, trading Peja Stojakovic for Ron Artest is like trading Josh Groban for R. Kelly.

Josh Groban, while extremely talented at one thing, is boring to the extent that only moms really like him. Likewise, Peja is as talented a shooter as you’ll find, but his lack of other skills prevented him from being truly exciting on a consistent basis. Plus, as Sacramento Bee points out, “the trade could be judged along gender lines. Women hated it. Men loved it.”

R. Kelly, on the other hand, might not sing as well as Josh Groban, but he also writes, produces and acts, doing all of these things in ways few others would ever attempt or imagine. The drawbacks: 1) his brain does not operate like any other brain, and 2) he has been caught on video doing something totally heinous. Number one makes him fascinating to watch, but number two always lurks in the back of our minds, tempering our enjoyment of number one.

I’m sure you can see how The R. and our new friend Ron have a lot in common.

All things considered, though, I will gladly take an entertaining risk on Kells/Ron-Ron than live with the safe, dull, but nonetheless impressive talent of Groban/Peja.

Remind me of this if/when the Artest honeymoon ends.

Throw a Drink on Me, We’ll See What Happens

About a month ago, I said I’d break up with the NBA for a while if it didn’t happen. It may just come to that.

Everyone said the window had already closed by the beginning of last season, but they scrapped their way to fifty wins and kept that window cracked. It’s been clear since the first weeks of the 2005-2006, though, that these Kings would not seriously compete for a title anytime soon unless something changed. Something almost changed in a big way today.

Peja Stojakovic for Ron Artest seemed like the ideal deal for everyone involved. I’ve loved and defended Peja. At some point, though, the faults became too much to take. Whether it was his reluctance to rebound or his outright refusal to defend or his inability to create his own shot or flashbacks to his tendency to disappear during the postseason or his tendency to miss several games at a stretch for something like a sprained pinky, something snapped and I was just finished with Peja.

I don’t hate the guy by any means, which is why the possibility of him going to Indiana of all places pleased me. Back when he made a brief MVP run in 2003-2004, a lot of people, foolishly or not, compared him to Larry Bird. Maybe being around Mr. Legend, plus having the privilege/duty of filling the long-range-shooter position Reggie Miller left behind might make those flashes of greatness Peja gave us during his time in Sacramento more than just flashes.

Then there was the tantalizing possibilities of bringing someone as talented and as totally fucking insane as the illustrious Ron Artest into the Capitol City. He has the scoring ability to hang with Peja (whose scoring, his one dimension, has fallen way off this year), plus Ron Ron gives you rebounds, three-plus steals a game and lockdown defense, something Sacramento simply hasn’t seen in years.

Of course, there’s also the fact that he’s crazy. Now, the shenanigans at the Palace last year cannot be condoned– that’s obvious– but I implore you to take a look at this timeline of Artest craziness (which happens to be one of the most entertaining documents I’ve read in a long time). You’ll see that Artest is fun crazy, not dangerous crazy.

If you follow the Kings, you’ve seen how eighteen months took them from being one of the most fun-to-watch, winningest teams in the league to a group of dudes who occasionally, for 48 minutes at a stretch, do something completely joyless that someone somewhere might call basketball. Top-twenty talent and an injection of entertaining crazy might just right the ship.

He’s been called a cancer before and, well, there’s considerable evidence to support that. People have said the same thing about Bonzi Wells, but he’s been a model citizen during his time in Sacramento. Plus, before the groin injury, he was one of the most productive and exciting Kings. There is a chance that, when paired, Ron Ron and Arthur Bonzarelli could turn into some sort of uber-cancer. If that were to happen, the team should just go with it and start plundering other teams for their cancers and change the name of the team to The Tumors. What’s scarier than a tumor? They’d surely top a basketball mascot power ranking poll.

But something happened. Either Ron or his agent decided he wouldn’t be interested in playing in Sacramento, so Petrie nixed the whole thing. Done. Finito. Maybe.

There are rumblings that Ron might be convinced to reconsider, but if he doesn’t, the Kings are screwed even worse than they would be if Peja walks at the end of the season without giving allowing the team to work out a sign-and-trade.

If Peja comes back to the Kings, there’s no way he plays at full capacity. The trade rumors wore on him just as much as all his aches and pains. You don’t think he’s going to be a little off after the team tried to get rid of him, especially since the Maloofs were apparently somewhat indelicate when they informed him of the deal?

Basically, they’re going to have to trade him quickly, which means they will get, at best, fifty cents on the dollar for him—certainly not someone as talented or insane as Ron Artest.

And what if the trade does go through? Fans here might be somewhat hostile to a crazy dude who apparently doesn’t want to be in Sacramento, whose refusal to play in Sacramento might permanently damage the franchise. Add in the fact that he hasn’t played in six weeks, that it might take him some time to play into game shape, that he won’t be The Complete Ron right away and he’s going to get savaged. That sellout streak at Arco (which I think is a sham anyway) might come to an end. We might see Kings fans’ breaking point, which could either mean empty seats and lower ticket prices (not likely) or the team gets more encouragement to move to Anaheim or Vegas (pretty damned likely).

So, either way, things don’t look too promising for the Kings right now, but at least change is on the way, which might just be exciting. Maybe I’ll stick around to see how things unfold.

Download: 4-ize - “Ron Artest”

NFL Power Rankings, Balki Style

At the beginning of football season, my pal Jeremy approached me with an idea. He wanted someone to go head-to-head with him making picks against the spread and write about them for his site. Even though I like sports, I’ve never cared enough about the NFL to follow it closely, but I agreed to play along anyway with one twist: I’d use the Balki Bartokomous Method to pick my winners.

What’s the Balki Bartokomous Method? On an old episode of “Perfect Strangers,” Balki and Larry entered their office football pool– this was when they worked at the Chicago Chronicle, not under Mr. Twinkacetti at the Ritz Discount Emporium, FYI– and football-ignorant Balki repeatedly won while football nut Larry continually lost. The reason? Balki picked his winners not based on any football information, but by comparing the teams’ mascots and deciding who would win in a fight.

So, Jeremy, who knows the game, made his picks based on knowledge while I made my picks based on mascot toughness. Surprisingly, our records weren’t that far apart, meaning betting on football might be one of the dumbest things you can do with your money.

Anyway, I wasn’t able to make picks every week, but you can see our write-ups here. In the meantime, enjoy my Mascot Power Rankings:

NFL Mascot Power Rankings
	RK	TEAM	COMMENT
	1	Giants	In case you don’t believe in the Giants’ superiority, check this out: they’re big enough to swallow whole any animal on this list, crush any human and annhilate any other random entity without exerting too much effort. Plus, they say shit like "fee-fi-fo-fum" before they kick your ass. How cold is that?
	2	Jets	It’s unwise to bet against anything that comes equipped with missles. Or Lasers.
	3	Bears	They have heft, surprising agility, sharp teeth and dextrous claws. Bears may be fatties, but they certainly are dangerous. I know Stephen Colbert is with me on this one.
	4	Bengals	They’re gorgeous, regal and they’ve been known to dine on the arms of gay magicians. Don’t use their creampuff schedule as an excuse to underestimate their skill; Bengals deal just as much damage when paired against more formidable opponents.
	5	Vikings	They have helmets with horns, thrive in the Minnesota cold and have been known to enjoy eating Lutefisk. Most would consider themselves lucky to have one of these attributes. Few would enjoy fighting someone with all three.
	6	Lions	You’d think a beast that can be held off with nothing more than a whip and a chair wouldn’t be much of a beast at all, but you don’t become the king of the jungle by being weak. Think of all the tough shit in the jungle: snakes, oppressive heat, snakes, evil monkeys, snakes. fucking snakes. Lions kicked all their asses. Even the snakes.
	7	Titans	Take either the homoerotic belioinclothed Clash of the Titans Titans or the Wall Street, ultra-rich Titans of Industry Titans. Either way, you’ve got a group of dudes who don’t get their asses kicked too often even though logic dictates that they should.
	8	Raiders	Pirates are always tough, but the Raiders are the better of the two teams of pirates on our board because they have a helmet, swords and an eyepatch in their logo. They’re mildly retarded swashbucklers with poor depth perception. A dangerous combination if I ever saw one.
	9	Buccaneers	Being pirates, the Bucs are also tough, but lose points for incorporating a feather into their logo. Whereas the Raiders will go bonkers and cut your ass, the Bucs will just tickle you into submission. Which would you rather fight?
	10	Cowboys	Spending their whole lives riding horses and rarely seeing women, Cowboys’ crotches are almost completely useless. As such, they have little to think about other than kicking ass.
	11	Patriots	America! Fuck yeah!
	12	Panthers	Extremely fast and, if black, also extremely militant.
	13	Texans	Texans are slowly losing power, but at the moment, one of them controls the world’s only remaining superpower. Clearly, they aren’t done fucking us over yet.
	14	Chiefs	Good at: being resourceful, killing large animals with primative weapons. Bad at: negotiating land deals, fighting whitey.
	15	Redskins	Pretty much like Chiefs, except the Redskins are a cross-section of Native American life, while the Chiefs are just the elite Redskins. Plus, their nickname is way more insulting.
	16	Jaguars	Someone told me Jaguars are ladies’ cars. You know, like Miatas. Is this true? I had no idea. Can I get confirmation on this?
	17	Rams	They have tough-ass horns, but they’re also among the most moronic animals on the planet. Good in strictly physical matchups, but where strategy is concerned, the Rams are easily beaten.
	18	Broncos	The more wild of the two horse teams, Broncos have it in them to trample innocents or throw passengers off their backs. I mean, they paralyzed Superman. That has to mean something.
	19	Colts	Colts, however, are more tame. They have plenty of strength, but they’re too pretty. Nobody really likes them except for little girls.
	20	Bills	You can ignore Bills, you can avoid calls from creditors and you can file for Bankruptcy, but eventually, the Bills will beat you.
	21	Browns	It’s a good thing Cleveland isn’t in the market for more professional sports teams, because they’re running out of racial epithets for their mascots. They appealed to the NHL for a hockey team, but the league considered the slim marketing opportunities for a franchise called the Cleveland Chinks and nixed the deal.
	22	49ers	They may not have all their teeth, but they do have gold. And pickaxes. And really strong homemade booze. It’s probably a good idea not a great idea to insult their dirty overalls, but they’re relatively docile unless provoked.
	23	Steelers	Strong-willed and strong physically, Steelers would make formidable opponents if they weren’t so damned tired from working 18-hour shifts. Plus, their thick beards and even thicker layers of grime prevent them from being as aerodynamic as they could be.
	24	Falcons	Birds are generally not great fighters, but Falcons have the largest talons of this bunch. Therefore, if you’re going to get your eyeballs poked out, they’re probably going to get poked out by a Falcon.
	25	Packers	Paying someone to move sounds like a good idea, but when you open your boxes and find out they broke your prized Hummel collection, you realize what assholes Packers really are. Plus, you probably tipped them even though they did a shitty job, which makes you feel like an asshole. Packers are no good.
	26	Ravens	Pretty much only famous for starring in one Poe poem, Ravens aren’t very fight-ready. Their only hope is to spread and contract bird flu. That’s not really a winning situation.
	27	Eagles	The funniest patriotic window decal I saw in the wake of 9/11 was an Eagle bursting through an American flag with a cross in its claws. I mean, I’m sure this seems tough to someone. It might even make a few tear up and burst into a few verses of Lee Greenwood. Eagles just make me laugh, though. Plus, they’re endangered. What kind of pussy allows his species to become endangered? Sheesh.
	28	Chargers	Seriously, what the fuck is a Charger?
	29	Cardinals	Red is a fearsome color, but I wouldn’t take anything that might be called "dainty" in a fight.
	30	Seahawks	Their only line of defense is precision pooping. I mean, it’s irritating, but it’s nothing that can’t be cured by a trip through the car wash.
	31	Saints	Saints are easy to like, but do you want to back someone who, by definition, can’t fight? I mean, if they kicked someone’s ass, they wouldn’t be Saints anymore. They’d just be dudes. Come to think of it, why isn’t there a team called The Dudes?
	32	Dolphins	Dolphins are, hands down, the wussiest mascot in all of professional sports. Way to keep getting caught in tuna nets, assholes.