Shopping With Mannheim Steamroller

Merchandise catalogs packed inside CD jewel cases are nothing new. Some discs have booklets promoting the artist’s previous releases or you might find bands plugging t-shirts and the like. This is totally normal.

Regardless, I was totally unprepared for the advertisement that fell out of the new Halloween album from Mannheim Steamroller.

Okay, because I know you’re curious, let’s first address the mere existence of a Halloween album. From Mannheim Steamroller.

If you know them at all, you probably recognize Mannheim Steamroller from their Christmas music, which consists of the kind of synthed-out Holiday jingles that mysteriously make your teeth feel cleaner, because you’d generally never hear that kind of music outside of a dentist’s office.

Because they’re savvy businesspeople, they realized they could increase their income by seizing upon another holiday and releasing more godawful music themed around it—hence the Halloween album. It’s a two-disc set, 50% of which is their take on music vaguely reminiscent of horror movies, the other 50% of which is all-original spooky sounds, which, if you hadn’t guessed, adds up to 100% awful.

Also because they’re savvy businesspeople, they included the aforementioned catalog of Mannheim Steamroller-branded products.

Even at first glance, it’s clear this is not your standard band merch, mostly thanks to the cover which proudly displays the words “YUMMIES REORDER CATALOG” over what appears to be a fuzzy picture of several dildos.

Now, there are several disturbing things about this, but the most disturbing has to be their use of the word “reorder,” as if most people who see this catalog will have already ordered from them and this is just a convenient opportunity for them to replenish their supply of Great American GramaChef Special Nebraska Recipe Steak Salt.

Inside the catalog, I found barbeque supplies and warm beverages, followed by their line of Mannheim Steamroller Body Ambience candles and lotions. Why these products have anything to do with a band who makes marginally tolerable holiday music or why anyone would want to buy them will both puzzle and haunt me until I die.

To be fair, they did try to explain themselves. Someone—allegedly a band member—wrote some blurbs to go along with the products, including this paragraph Mannheim Steamroller Chip wrote to describe their Body Ambience Candles, which, by the way, appear to be dollar store votives in shot glasses printed with the band logo and product name in the tackiest font available not called Comic Sans:

“I created the idea of this series to address human feelings. Music is the core … scent (candles) to express time and place … Shampoo and Body Washes and Lotions to include touch and water. The end result should be a rejuvenating and relaxing experience. Light the candle … turn down the lights … put on a CD/DVD … and don’t listen, feel!”

I just want to clarify that the ellipses are his and not mine. They actually appear in the catalog, which leads me to believe either his keyboard is broken or someone edited some even crazier shit out of this product description.

Fortunately for you, who I couldn’t imagine would ever actually own a Mannheim Steamroller CD, all of these products and more are available for purchase online. If you spend 90 dollars, you get free shipping. They don’t mention this on the site, but if you spend 90 dollars, you’re automatically qualified for the Special Olympics as well.

Start shopping!

2 Comments »

Did you see the American Spirit Sword set? I see it as a possible Christmas gift for several men in my life.

Comment by claiborne
September 12, 2006 @ 7:02 am
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So, it’s not as good as Manheim Steamroller.
But my birthday is on Monday and well…
Jeff, I want my own golden snitch.
Make of it what you will.

Comment by Kristen
September 12, 2006 @ 5:37 pm
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